Want a Career

I am so frustrated that I am 31 years old and I do not have a career. I have not worked since I was a swim coach at age 20. This is not the plan that I had for my life. By now, I was supposed to be a doctor or a psychologist. I would have volunteered in third world countries as a professional. My colleagues would have respected me, etc. I can go on and on about what I would have done if I had not become ill. I used to dream about all of the possibilities in my future when I got well. When is that day ever coming? Will I actually get better? Throughout the years I have had to keep readjusting my goals and my expectations. I have gone from wondering what I want to do to wondering what I CAN do. I still have the same ambitions and desires but it is devastating to physically collapse from every work or education endeavor. I have tried to finish my undergraduate degree three times since I became ill and had to leave Whitman College. Each time I try, I end up back in bed with crushing fatigue. I make myself worse by trying to reach my goals. The biggest goal I have is to get better but at some point, I need to think about my goals outside of my health. Lyme disease is not who I am it is just what I have to deal with every minute of every day.
Since I first got sick in 1998, I have been convinced that I would become well enough to become a doctor, a physician’s assistant, a psychologist, a medical social worker, and recently, I decided that nursing would be the perfect combination of all of my interests. While I was on IV antibiotics at the infusion center, my fatigue improved to the point that I could actually see myself becoming well enough to go to nursing school. I felt so fulfilled that I would have a career. Now, a few months later, I am still no closer to going to nursing school. I think that I was being overly optimistic that I would be well enough to go through nursing school. Now, I have to put the dream of going into medicine on hold. Will I ever reach it? The scary answer is that realistically I don't know if I will ever be well enough. I am angry because I know that I would be a great nurse and yet I cannot be one. What am I supposed to do? What if all I can do is run a few errands on a good day? I used to value myself based on my accomplishments. Now, I don't have any accomplishments besides getting out of bed every morning despite feeling horrible, and tackling my day with a smile and a positive attitude (which is a feat in itself when you have this disease). My true accomplishment is fighting this disease everyday year after year. I have the right goals and the right attitude but I physically cannot work. I hope to have a career someday that represents my personality. I don't know when that someday will be but I am waiting. I refuse to give up on my goals.

These years of being sick have taught me not to judge myself, or anyone else, based on their accomplishments but, rather, on their character.