Opportunity to Work or to Relapse?

One morning last week, I stood in my parent's kitchen and listened to a woman leave a message for my mother. She called for a referral for a wedding coordinator in our area who could plan her entire wedding. As I listened to her talk on the machine, I had an idea. What if I helped her plan her wedding? Could I really do that? I had just planned mine. I had been through all the steps from ordering the flowers to picking out the invitations. I knew that my idea was kind of crazy considering my limited energy. A sense of excitement pulsed through my body-I could actually earn money to contribute to our house that we are trying to make livable. The cost of living is so high in the Bay Area that it is hard to live on one salary and own a house that needs a lot of work. I really wanted to help out. I called the bride back and I explained to her that I was not a professional wedding planner, but that since I had recently planned my own wedding, that I could help her. She was thrilled. We connected on the phone and we set up an appointment to pick out her invitations the next day. It is hard to describe how I felt. Finally, I felt that I might have enough energy to earn some money. I spent 4 hours researching invitations for her. In the end, she and I decided to go see the woman who I ordered my invitations from at a local stationary store. I printed my research, put myself together, look a leap of faith that my energy would hold up for this project, and I went outside to meet Kathy. We successfully ordered her wedding invitations. I know that I was helpful. Kathy and I genuinely liked each other and she asked me to think about how much of her wedding I could plan and that she would come back the next day to talk about our plan and my payment. I loved the feeling that I was doing something to help my family and yet, I was also doing something that was just mine. I struggle with not being able to identify with a profession or as a student. My mind is so capable but my body holds me back. After returning from helping Kathy with her invitations, I was so exhausted I had to lie on the couch for a few hours and do nothing. Here I was-back in the same situation. It seems like I am always struggling between what my body is telling me and what my mind wants to do. My body told me that I had done too much. My hands were sweating and I could not get them to stop. I have learned that this symptom is a sign that I am pushing myself and that I better back off. My mind told me that I didn't want to back off. I was so excited to be contributing financially to my family. I cannot work and therefore I cannot even pay for my own medical care. Any little amount that I can earn will help us. I knew that we needed the money but I did not want to risk relapsing and spending months on the couch and in bed again. AHAH. I did not know what decision to make. My husband was so proud of me and of what I was trying to accomplish. I knew that my body probably couldn't hold up for the whole project and yet I wanted to take it all on so badly. I wanted to prove that I am competent at different tasks. For two days, I was so torn between saying no to the job and saying yes to 100% of the job. I know that those opposing options make no sense. For me, both decisions would have made sense. In the end, I woke up two days later feeling awful. I had a pounding headache and all I could do was lie on the couch. I had to call Kathy to cancel our appointment for later that day. I did not reach her but I left her a voicemail. Half an hour later, I listened to my voicemail. I was shocked! Kathy had called to tell me that she and her fiancé were calling off the wedding and she didn't need me after all. I felt so relieved!! The decision had been made for me. I was not going to do the job because the job ceased to exist. My heart goes out to Kathy. She must be going through a hard adjustment period right now but I was happy to get that message because it meant that I could take care of myself, like I knew that I needed to, and I would also not be disappointing my husband or myself by backing out of the job. Unfortunately, I think that trying to work was a good experience for me but it taught me that I am not ready to do part time work yet. And the struggle goes on. . .